


Who do think you are?

by mistress_of_sarcasm



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Inspired by Music, Jar of hearts specifically, Multi, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Rin is suicidal, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shiro Fujimoto's A+ Parenting, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Underage Drinking, Yukio is abusive, note the sarcasm, rin has depression, shima is very gay, this ends happily i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-03-03 19:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistress_of_sarcasm/pseuds/mistress_of_sarcasm
Summary: 'To whom it may concern, Rin Okumura is going to commit suicide at 6:30 PM today. Don't try to stop me, I can't do this anymore.' Those were the words Rin intended to go out on. Life, and more importantly, the Kyoto trio had better plans.





	1. prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is a turn away from my usual style. This should be 8 or 9 chapters long. And if somehow missed the description completely, this story involves alcoholism, abuse, self harm, and suicide. I really don't want to bring up any painful memories if you have experience with this. Otherwise, enjoy!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: HO, I DON'T OWN NOTHING, LET ALONE THIS WONDERFUL SERIES.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Well, this is a turn away from my usual style. This should be 8 or 9 chapters long. And if somehow missed the description completely, this story involves suicide, self harm, and a healthy dose of alcoholism and abuse. Fun, I know. If you have any sensitivity for these concepts, please use discretion. I don't want to hurt someone. Otherwise, please R&R and enjoy!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: HO, I DON'T OWN NOTHING, LET ALONE THIS WONDERFUL SERIES.

Rin sobbed as his brother's fist connected with his stomach, slamming into a wall and sliding to the floor. This was all too normal, Yukio would tell him he was going out, Rin wouldn't say a thing in response, he learned not to, and he'd come back drunk. He got abusive when he was drunk. It hurt. Rin wasn't stupid. He knew passing the exorcist exam would just barely secure his survival. But still, he fought. He had friends who fought with him. And he had his brother. At least, he did at one point.

Now he wondered if the sweet, innocent little boy he'd grown up with had ever existed. It was easy to see why. The lies (Even Dad), the secrets (Why?), the broken promises (he'd said he'd stop every time) all told a story of betrayal and deadly secrets (since they were seven). All Rin ever heard about was how amazing his brother was, how intelligent, brave, strong, clever, the list went on and on. But after going through what may as well have been hell on earth (2 years in this cycle), all the 19 year old saw was the brutal, abusive monster he became. No, not monster. Demon.

"Why?" He sobbed out softly, curling in on himself. "You wanna know why?" His voice slurred. "It's 'cause you took my childhood from me. You killed my father. You took him from me. I said it before and I'll say it again, you should just die." Now, death was all he wanted. He would take the grave, prison, whatever, just to escape. Escape Yukio and his own thoughts. "Gomenasai, please, please stop." The tears fell in rapid succession. The raspy apology seemed to quell his anger and he stalked off, likely to sleep off the liquor. He would apologize in the morning. Always the same "Nii-san, I'm so sorry, I'll stop I swear." Rin had stopped believing him a long time ago. Because it never stopped. It never would stop.

Once the tears had made their course, Rin pulled a box cutter from his pocket, steadying it over his arm. It helped, the blade sliding into his tender, pale flesh, his blood running down his arms, the pain stinging of his own accord. It was just as healthy as Yukio and his alcoholism, he knew it, but it was all he could think of to help, to get those voices that told him his brother was right, to stop. He wished his dad were here. He'd find a way to help him. If he were still alive then maybe Yukio wouldn't be drinking at all. But no, he was dead. Rin had killed him, Rin had told him he wasn't his father, it was all Rin's-

He made a deep cut in his left wrist, the sharp sting shutting off this thoughts. Shut up. He stared at the cuts, new tears forming in his blue eyes. Why did his death still have to tear him up? "Gomenasai." He sobbed out once more, though this time to someone different. "I'm so sorry, Dad. I didn't mean it. I miss you so much Dad." He felt something furry rub against his leg. Kuro climbed up into his lap, rubbing his head against his stomach. The small comfort did a lot for Rin as he cuddled the small body to him, the tears and sobs continuing to flow. 'It's going to be okay Rin, some how.' The promise was empty of course, but any words helped. "What am I gonna do, Kuro? I'll do anything to get out, but I can't stay here." 'I know Rin. You'll find something, you're smart.' The cat sidhe told him. Really if Rin would let him, Kuro would've happily ripped Yukio to shreds without hesitation. He almost did the first time it happened.

After what felt like an eternity, Rin got up and went into the bathroom. He quickly washed off the blood and sweat. All his tears were gone, and his eyes were dead. He felt dead. Finally, he crawled into his bed next to Yukio, the exhaustion catching up to him. The last thought he had was a simple one, 'I'm done with this. One or another, I'm getting out.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Kacchan: Wow, this... is... dark. Are you okay?
> 
> Of course. I'm just crazy.
> 
> Kacchan: Send help!
> 
> Okay, but for real tho, thx for reading this, I'll probably post the next chapter in a few days, I just want to experiment more with my writing, and I produced this. And if you couldn't tell by the title, I was initially inspired by Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. I seriously want constructive criticism. That's 'This is how you can improve.' not 'This totally sucks.' I don't need none of that. Ja ne and God bless. Stay warm!


	2. I can't do this anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I'm really putting Rin through hell here. I swear after this things get better. Poor Rin-chan. Oh well, this was but an idea I had and now we have this. There is a suicide attempt in this chapter too.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Yep I'm Kazue Kato. Just kidding!

'To whom it may concern, Rin Okumura is going to commit suicide at 6:30 PM today. Don't try to stop me, I can't do this anymore.' Those were the words Rin typed into the group chat on his phone. Yukio was out on a week long mission with no chance of coming home early and stopping him. It was now or never. They probably wouldn't care anyway. Granted they had long since stopped hating him for being the son of Satan, but still, it would be best to get the screw Okumura out of the way. So here he was, in a secluded part of the woods, at the edge of a cliff, with a knife, a full bottle of sleeping pills, a sheathed Kurikara, and a suicide note.

Honestly, he came here at four. He wanted to think. This was one of his favorite spots to go to when he wanted to be alone. No one knew about it, except Kuro. Rin hoped he wouldn't be too upset about his death. So here he was, 45 minutes before he was scheduled to die, legs dangling haphazardly over a cliff, humming to himself. He took another glance at his suicide note.

Last words, apologies, and to a certain extent, blame. Blaming Satan for killing Dad, Rin himself for feeling this way and making the decision to do this, and Yukio, for constantly breaking his promises to stop. The rest, Kuro, Shura, the old Exwire group, he begged not to blame themselves. Bon, his rival and second real friend, Shima, someone he could laugh with and sometimes at, Shiemi, his first real friend and always so sweet and kind to him, Izumo, who always judged him but never once for his lineage, Konekomaru, who was always so scared of him, but who begged for forgiveness when he realized how wrong it was, and Shura, who did her best to help learn to control his flames and defended him when he was up against the Vatican. More than that, he detailed the abuse he suffered at Yukio's hands, if to keep another victim from happening. Begging and pleading one final time, 'Please stop. This addiction killed me and it will kill you too. I don't want that. I love you little brother.'

Rin looked up at the orange sky. He checked his phone for any messages, and stopped. A whole half hour had passed. A whole half hour of lamenting. Rin had heard of people feeling anxious when on the cusp of ending it all, but all he felt was calm. It was going to end soon. He could escape. He wondered if he would go to heaven, be with Shiro again. Probably not. All anyone ever told him was that he was a demon that deserved Gehenna. Sometimes, he wanted to ask what he had done to deserve it. Most times he simply believed them. No messages either. Huh. Guess they really didn't care. That hurt. He felt the stinging in his eyes. He found himself unable to care. Fine. He was done. Time to end this. He picked up the knife and pressed against his throat. "Rin!" He dropped the blade in shock. Shima Renzou. What the ever living fuck could he possibly be here for?

Out of nowhere someone grabbed him by the back of his shirt and hauled him backwards, away from the cliff. Rin grunted as he was thrown back against the ground. "What the hell, Rin?! What do you think you're doing?!" Oh great Bon was there too. Rin quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and glared. "Is that even a question at this point, dumbass?" He snapped. "You saw the text and you know what I was about to do. And how did you even find me?" His demands were met with a yank to his arm. Bon dragged him to his feet and began pulling him in the opposite direction, Renzou following behind. Rin huffed. "I'll ask again, how did you find me? I'm the only one who knows about that spot." Bon didn't answer, seeming more intent on dragging him away from the cliff. "Hey!" Thankfully, Renzou answered this time. "Turn around." Rin twisted his head to the side to see a relived looking Kuro on the pinked haired male's shoulder. "You little-ugh." Rin groaned in frustration. 'I'm not losing you like I lost Shiro, Rin.' His face was somber as he informed the half demon of that unfortunate truth.

Rin sighed. "Look where are we going, anyway?" Rin asked. "Taking you home, and telling Yukio what you almost did." And the switch was flipped. "No!" Rin cried. He tore his hand away from Bon's, rushing to get away from the fate Bon was residing him too. Rin couldn't go back. His entire reasoning was to escape Yukio anyway. "You-you can't, please!" Rin cried, new tears forming in his eyes. Now both Renzou and Bon both looked worried. Kuro suddenly darted off back to the cliff. He came as quickly as he left, Rin's suicide note in his mouth. He dropped it and gave a stare of 'read it'. Renzou picked it up and Bon looked over his shoulder. It was rather long, but evidently they were speed readers. A moment later Renzou looked horrified and Bon looked ready to murder someone."My god, Rin-chan. I-I had no idea." Renzou looked up at Rin. Rin smiles weakly. "How could you? I never wanted anyone to know." Tears made their way down his face as every emotion he had repressed came flooding right back, and he let himself break down in front of them. He sobbed into his hands, "I can't-I can't do this anymore. I'm scared, and I don't want to die. I just want this to end." He admitted. Renzou wrapped his arms tightly around the sobbing boy. "Shh. Rin, it's going to be okay Rin. I promise, it's going to be okay." Rin had heard that promise before. This time he was willing to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was way longer than the prolouge, Yay. I hope you enjoyed this little story that came from the black pit of dispare that is my mind. Please review, constructive criticism is always encouraged. Ja ne and God bless.


	3. getting out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN Well, third chapter. Two chapters in one day. It's snowy out and I can't go anywhere, so I'm writing.
> 
> Kacchan: shouldn't you be working on the next chapter of How Class 1A
> 
> um... Yes. But I'm feeling unmotivated so... If want to know what he's talking about, go read my other story! Shameless self advertising out of the way:
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING

The three exorcists entered the apartment Rin and Yukio shared, Bon carrying an exhausted Rin on his back. After he set Rin down on the couch, earning him a small "Thanks.", he pulled his phone out. "What're you doing?" Rin asked, confused. "Texting everyone to let them know you're okay." Now Rin was surprised. "Huh?" "Yeah, everyone was freaking out. I think it was Izumo-chan who saw it first. Called us in a panic. Even Kirigakure-sensei was scared." Renzou laughed a bit. "She's probably gonna beat me for making her that scared." Rin said flatly. "And so is Yukio. At least it should keep him away from the bar for a few weeks." Bon went rigid. "You actually think-" a sharp knock cut him off. "It's open." The door swung open,

"Rin!", and the short ones of the group (Izumo and Konekomaru) ran in. "Is he okay ? Oh my God, how could not have noticed? We are the worst friends ever." Konekomaru said, clearly relived Rin was still alive. When Izumo came in and saw Rin, she immediately ran over threw her arms around him. Okay, this was getting weird. She pulled back, locking eyes with Rin. "How could you be that stupid?!" Her heated voice full of emotion. "If you feel that bad then talk to us. Don't do this, I-" Her voice broke off in a sob. Konekomaru hung back, seeing Izumo actually cry was surprising to say the least.

A moment later he came over wrapped his arms around Rin from behind. Rin was shaking. "I'm sorry, I-I just don't know what else to do." They were all crying at that point. Eventually Konekomaru pulled back. He opened his mouth to speak, but a piece of paper was suddenly handed to him. "This should answer your questions. And if you lose all respect for Yukio, Bon and I already want to skin him alive." Rin let put a tiny laugh. "He ain't joking, Rin. You're gonna be attending his funeral before we let this shit continue." Bon said, clearly still angry. Rin sighed. Izumo looked at Rin. "What's he talking about?" Rin looked down, avoiding eye contact. "Yukio drinks. A lot. And he gets... mad, I guess. Abusive." Izumo let out a gasp. "That bastard."

"I don't know what I'm gonna do though. I can't stay here, obviously. And I don't really have anywhere else." Renzou suddenly remembered something. "Hey, didn't you guys say you wanted to go back home for a few months. Rin-chan could just come with us." It was the best option he could come up with. Bon took a look at his phone. "Shura and Shiemi are coming up, neither of them have called Yukio. I made sure of that." "I'd love to stay with you guys for a while, but won't your families get annoyed. I'll probably take up too much space. He always says I'm a-" "Shut it, Rin." Izumo snapped. "What he says to means nothing. Do you think I would be crying over you if I thought you were a waste of space? Because I sure as hell wouldn't be."

Renzou smiled. "That's the best way to put it Izumo-chan. And with all my siblings at home, plus Bon's parents, you won't be taking up anymore space then them." The door opened a moment later, and a scantily dressed redhead and young woman in with blonde hair came in. "We're over here." Konekomaru called out. Shura's eyes widened when she saw Rin, her expression twisting into one of anger. She rushed over and slapped him across the face. "What the hell were you thinking, Rin?! How could you-" She stopped.

Not only were Bon, Renzou, Izumo, and Konekomaru glaring at her like she had committed an unforgivable sin, but Rin had started crying and repeating "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." over and over, his breathing becoming erratic. What happened? "Rin-kun?" Shiemi's worried voice reached their ears. She took Rin's face in her hands. "Rin, take a deep breath and hold it." She said, her voice firm. Rin obeyed, holding his breath. She counted to 3, "Now let it out." She instructed. She did this a few more times, and Rin finally calmed down. "Someone wanna fill me in here?" Shura asked. Rin took in a breath, "Yeah, I'm sorry. Where do I even start?" Izumo pressed her lips together. "How about the beginning?"

And with that, Rin spilled everything. The two years of abuse went from being a secret, something Rin kept tight lipped, to it being open. As Rin detailed what happened, his voice never changed. It was flat. Monotone. Completely detached, like it was something he heard about on the news or read in a manga, like he didn't know the person it happened to. By the end Shiemi was nearly in tears and Shura looked furious. "I'm gonna stay with Bon and them in Kyoto for a while." Shiemi nodded and wrapped her arms around Rin.

LINEBREAK (Bon's POV)

"I'm gonna call Yukio and tell him what's gonna happen. He at least needs to know where you're going, okay Rin." He glanced up, God why were eyes so dead? He nodded. "Tell him whatever you need to." I nodded. I leaned against the front door outside the apartment. I was beyond pissed. I really, really, wanted to bash Yukio's head in. I took a deep breath. My rage could wait, for now I just needed to tell him where his brother was gonna be for the next few months. I dialed his number.

"Hello Suguro-kun, what do you need? I'm on a mission so make it quick." That phone call was a lot of things. Quick was not one of them. "Rin just told me something really interesting about you." "Oh really, that's great. Is that all?" He wasn't interested at all. "No, but I do have one question." "Mmm hmm." "Who the fuck gives a 17 year old liquor in the first place?!" I demanded.

"What-what the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't act like you don't know. You beat your own brother while your drunk and then act like it doesn't matter. Rin almost killed himself today to get away from you."

"He's making it up, I'm not that stupid!"

"Yeah fucking right. Then why did he act so scared when he found out I was gonna tell you? Why the fuck did he have a break down? And why did he have a panic attack when Shura slapped him? Because I'd sure as hell like to know."

It... it went on like that for what felt like hours (like 45 minutes), and I hung up angrier than I had been before. I stormed back in. "Rin?" "Yeah." "You can stay as long as you like."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an: That was fun! i hope you enjoyed. Please review and seriously, I want constructive criticism. Ja ne and God bless.


	4. Scars that remain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This one, while the hardest to write, I feel has the best payoff. I love how this turned out. Self harm and unintentional mental abuse TW. This gets pretty heavy.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Blue exorcist

They left the next morning. Rin didn't want to spend another minute in the apartment, so he threw his personal stuff into a bag, grabbed Kuro, and they left at 7am. It kept them from facing Yukio, who text Rin and said he was coming home that day. They ate a quick breakfast and hopped on the first train to Kyoto, leaving nothing but a couple phone messages to the girls so they would actually know where they were.

After waking them up, Rin hadn't said a single word. They were all worried, Bon especially. He considered Rin his best friend, and even if the sentiment wasn't returned he felt personally responsible for helping him out and protecting him if need be. Rin, who was currently curled up in the seat with Kuro on his shoulder, looking out the window, listening to music, and just looked so broken. It was honestly heart wrenching to see this normally energetic, happy person so miserable. Now the desire to make Yukio suffer doubled. "Can I listen?"

Shima's voice pulled Bon away from his rage fueled thoughts. Rin nodded, just barely sparing the pink haired male a glance before slipping out an earphone for the other male. Shima had really matured over the past few years. That mainly consisted of being less perverted, but it was something. They lapsed into silence, the only sound being Rin humming along to the songs on his playlist. It gave Bon a sense of the way his playlist went. "Woah!" Shima suddenly jolted. "What?" He speaks!

Rin turned to Shima, staring at him. "I wasn't expecting Lizzy Hale after 'A thousand years' ya know, Rin-chan." His voice held some humor. Rin didn't look amused. "Yeah, my playlist pretty much goes calming, rock, calming, rock." His voice was, what was the word? Deadpan. That's the word. Deadpan. Under any other circumstances, it would've been funny. Then his expression went from blank, to shock, like he realized something. "Wait, do your parents even know I'm coming with you?"

Bon cringed. It was worse than their families not knowing Rin was coming to Kyoto with them. In all the excitement, they hadn't told them they were coming up. "Seriously. If I pulled that with my old man he would've killed me." Rin expression went from that shock to mild annoyance when he saw the cringe.

"Um... Rin, I don't think they even know we're coming home. You made us leave pretty early." Konekomaru said, smiling weakly. Rin's expression darkened. "Oh, sorry. I just wanted to make sure we wouldn't have to see him. I don't-I can't really be around him right now. He'd only make things worse. He can be pretty nasty when He's angry. And sober." He smiled weakly. "Yukio. Man of Ice. Fitting for someone that can be so cold. Dad said his name was because he was so pale as a baby, I think some force thought he needed a name to suit his personality." Shima slipped an arm around Rin, giving him a little bit of comfort.

"I'd better call Ma. She's gonna have my head when we get there for springing this outta nowhere." Bon said in an effort to lighten the mood. "I can attest to that. Torako-san is brutal." Bon laughed. Rin smiled. It was a start.

Line break

They picked them up at the train station, waiting on the platform for them to arrive. And our poor trio realized something. Yukio had been a drunk. And Bon's dad always reeked of booze. Great. Just fantastic Not only that, but Rin probably didn't want them to know the precise reason he was staying with them. Which led to one awkward conversation. And Rin still didn't seem to want to talk too much. They didn't speak to him directly, so he didn't need to answer. At first they tried to make conversation, but they picked up that he didn't feel like speaking. Then the question came. "So Rin," Kinzou began. "Why are you staying with us in the first place?" Rin shrugged, "Personal stuff. I'd rather not go into the details if that's okay." Kinzou smiled. "That's fine. Can't exactly force you to tell us why. Can we?" Torako smiled. "Well-" "No. No we can't." Bon said, cutting her off.

"Hey Dad." Tatsuma turned around to address his son. "Yeah?" "While we're here, please, lay off the sake." He blinked. "Oh yeah sure." Rin glanced up, his eyes wandering between the father and son before meeting Bon's. 'Thanks', they seemed to say. Bon smiled. 'You're welcome.'

Line break (Renzou POV)

Rin disappeared. Not like, dropped off the face of the planet or anything, but he just shut himself up in the guest room. I thought I was being paranoid when I felt something was wrong, but then Kuro ran up to me, crying and meowing. Okumura Rin had locked himself in a room by himself, and less than 24 hours prior he attempted suicide. That sentence alone was enough remind me we needed to keep an eye on him. I followed Kuro down to the guest room he was staying in and knocked on his door. "Hey, Rin-chan. Can I come in?" Rin didn't answer. "C'mon Rin. You need to talk about this. I'm seriously getting worried, and Kuro here is freaking out." My voice became more forceful with each word. He still didn't answer. "Why are you being so stubborn? Can't you see we care about you? Is it that hard to realize?" I demanded, hitting the door in frustration. I leaned my forehead against the door, wishing I could walk through it. I heard a small click. "Door's unlocked if you wanna come in that bad."

I opened the door right away. Rin was sitting against the wall, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. I slid down next to him. Rin averted his eyes. I was suddenly reminded of when everyone was so scared of him because of his relation to Satan. He tried to be happy, but I could see how sad he really was. How broken. Truth be told, I felt like an asshole. Then I saw the fresh cuts on his arms. And he saw that I saw.

He started to move away from me, but I grabbed his left arm. "What the hell, Rin?" I demanded. He tore his arm from my grasp. "What do you think? Don't give me the, 'Do you know how unhealthy that is' talk. I know it's just as bad as that shit Yukio's been drinking but it's the only way I know how to cope." "That's no excuse for hurting yourself. Why would you-I mean-" I let out a groan, my word failing me. I shook my head, my composure returning.

I sighed. "Rin, what's really going on? I can tell it goes deeper than just the drinking." Rin sighed. "Have you ever been constantly compared to something you could just never be? 'Why don't you be more like Yukio?' 'Why don't you follow Yukio's example?' 'Yukio gets so much better grades than you.' 'Yukio' 'Yukio' 'Yukio'." The resentment and bitterness in voice told volumes. "I mean, come on. Did they have any idea how damaging that can be. Nobody ever thought, oh I don't know, 'Hey, maybe he doesn't appreciate being constantly being compared to a boy who never acts like a fucking kid!' I'm not that stupid. I never was that stupid. I know that no normal fucking 10-year-old acts the way he did. But all I ever hear how great he is. How smart, strong, fast, kind, considerate he is. Meanwhile I get the cold, stuck up, merciless monster he really is."

He was crying now. "I was so confused when he started avoiding me. Going out with Dad all the time. How the hell was I supposed to know he was training to be a weapon to fight against demons. I-I can't believe Dad let him go through that. Why the fuck would you put your seven-year-old children through that? I was so lonely and so frustrated with just, everything I would lash out at the other kids because what else could I do? No one ever tried to help me or explain their bullshit so what was I gonna do?" Rin stopped, breathing in a few times. I was shocked. "I-wow. I knew Yukio had been training as exorcist since age seven, and that you didn't know, but I never really considered how that would've affected you." Rin laughed bitterly.

"Yeah. Evidently neither did Dad. I swear I loved him, but I don't I can forgive him for what he did to us. When he died, I was in shock. Everything I'd ever known was out the window. I mean look at me, I'm a fucking mess right now. Honestly, I've been doing this for years." Suddenly I knew what he meant by that. Not just, I've cutting myself for years, but 'I've been dealing with mental abuse from my own family for years.' "Rin? Please don't take this the wrong way, but right now, I kinda hate Fujimoto Shiro. And I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner." I pulled him into a hug and he sobbed into my shoulder. Fuck you Shiro. You permanently damaged 2 innocent little boys. At least one still turned out okay. No scratch. Rin wasn't okay. He was strong He'd be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: FOR ONCE THE ENDING DOESN'T FEEL RUSHED!!!! And what Rin said about Shiro is something a lot of people haven't addressed. Along with the effects of everything on Rin. Honestly it's a well of ideas not many have touched upon. Please review because your comments are how I validate the worth my existence! Ja ne and God bless!


	5. What they had, and what they lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, new chapter! This one is a bit shorter than usual, but it serves the purpose I was going for. I honestly just want to give them some nice, slice of life, domestic fluff next couple chapters.   
> DICLAIMER: Nope, never was and never will be Kazue Kato.

Once he calmed down, I led him to the bathroom and cleaned off his cuts. He was leaning against the tub wall, and seemed to have reverted back to silence, but this time I was having none of it. I was about to say something when I realized he was still crying, silently. He was breathing okay, so it was hard to tell. I sighed, now wasn’t the time to get impatient, I couldn’t help but think of Bon. He would’ve been yelling at the point I found him at.

“There are better uses of your time, ya know.” I just continued to bandage the cuts, ignoring whatever self-deprecating thoughts he was voicing. “My cuts will heal one way or another. Demon healing. You really don’t need to.” He drew his knees up to his chest when I was done, making him look all the more vulnerable. I shrugged.

“Maybe you don’t think I don’t, but I think I do. You just aren’t use to someone helping you with these.” To my surprise, Rin nodded. “The only time someone ever helped me clean up my cuts was my old man. He freaked when he saw them. I know I just sorta trashed him, but I do miss him. Miss the person and acknowledge the mistakes I guess. I know Yukio saw the cuts at some point, if he didn’t catch me at some point all together. He always acted like he didn’t hate me, but even before… I always knew.” The tears continued to fall. They seemed to almost weep themselves hearing the sadness in his soft, raspy voice.

I decided to speak. “My mom hated alcohol. Her dad was an alcoholic. Yukio sounds like the way she’d describe him. She said it brings out what people are really like. I guess she was right.”

“Was?”

“She died a couple years before I went to true cross. I was around 12. I remember she would always tell me, ‘Ren, there are a lot of things I could be doing with my life right now, and yet I’m a house wife in a struggling temple and a crappy musician. And I still say meeting your dad was the best thing that ever happened to me.’ It was basically her way of saying it doesn’t take loads of money to be happy, and that I could do what I wanted. Sometimes I wonder, how could she always be so happy. She went through losing her mother, taking her father’s abuse, people telling her she could never be successful doing what she wanted, and even losing a child, but she was always so happy and proud about everything she did. Honestly I was always king of pressured to be like Take-nii, but honestly I just wanna be like her.”

“She sounds amazing.” Rin said. “I never had anyone give me that sort of advice. Although sometimes I wish I could find that sort of contentment. I could never really feel that at the monastery. Probably due to the fights I got into every other day, but I always wondered if I could have anything more. Then the whole ‘Son of Satan’ thing came up and I just sort of accepted I could never have anything like that.” I simply shrugged at that statement.

“Hey, she said it herself, ‘I worked as a struggling musician at a crap temple’ and she still died happy.”

Suddenly I heard a sound that I hadn’t heard in a long time. That I hadn’t realized I hadn’t heard in a while. Rin laughed. It was only then that I realized he wasn’t crying anymore. “For the record, I think I’ll take, Renzou Shima acting like Renzou over Renzou acting like Takezo. I doubt you were made to be his double.” I smiled.

“Thanks. That’s the best thing I’ve heard on that subject.” “No problem. Also what kind of music did your mom play?”

“Rock. Sort of like what you listen to. Kinzo-nii was actually inspired by her to start a band himself.” “That’s cool. You should take me to one of their concerts Ren.”

“Yeah maybe I will someti- Ren?” I suddenly realized he called me my mom’s nickname for me. He gave me a blank stare. “I think we’re well beyond the call each other by our last names point, Ren. And Renzou just sounds too formal. Like we’re business partners instead of friends. I’ll stop if it bothers you.” I shook my head.

“Oh, it’s cool. It’s just that no one outside my family calls me Renzou, and mom was the only one to ever call me Ren. It’s fine though.” He took in a breath. “Hey, dumb question, but are you… okay?” Rin shook his head, smiling.

“I… I haven’t been okay in a while. I’m not going to be okay for a while. I need some time to recover, ya know. I guess at some point Yukio and I are gonna have to talk, but that’s a long way off. But to really answer your question, I think I’ll be alright.” I smiled. “We’ll be here to help you with that, too. You’re not getting rid of us.” Rin laughed a little.

“I don’t think I want to.”


	6. Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, another short chapter. Shorter, I should say. Still, I wanted something in Rin's POV, so I got this.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING!!

RIN POV

I was confused. Scared, even. Why did they all care so much? They all knew what I was. Knew what I came from. So why? Hearing Renzou bang on my door, tell me that they wanted to help, was something I’d never heard before. I thought… I didn’t deserve it. He always said that I didn’t, so why? When he saw my cuts, I didn’t know how he would react. I could tell he was frustrated, that seems to be a common feeling towards me, and I was worried I’d done something wrong. Well, other than my nasty habit. 

When he’d asked me for a full explanation, I hadn’t meant to spill my guts to the guy, it just sort of, came out. None of it was made up though. It felt… cathartic, I guess, to let out those feelings. I guess someone needed to hear my thoughts on my family’s bullshit. I suppose it was a sort of equivalent exchange when he told me about his mom and her history. I have to admit she sounded amazing. That night, I helped Mamushi cook dinner. Evidently she can’t cook. She almost messed up boiling rice. So, I suppose I made dinner. It was enjoyable though, and the omurice was pretty good. They didn’t even mind when I had Kuro eating with me at the table either, so that was a plus. I still didn’t understand though. Nothing about it lined up with anything I was used to. I suppose in many ways it’s a good thing, but that didn’t make it less confusing. And they all seemed to be extra gentle with me. 

Bon and Koneko, while still themselves, acted like I was made of glass at times. It was more noticeable with Bon, for… obvious reasons. Ren was more, I don’t think loving would be the right word, but that’s how it. He honestly gave me some affection. Sometimes I wonder if, I could have some kind of happiness with him. It would be nice. A few days later, I was over in the backyard by myself, playing a guitar I’d found in a closet somewhere. I had a guitar back at the apartment, but I had rushed to get out and so didn’t grab it. The guitar was old, and had the name Momo scratched into the back. I assumed it was another sister of the Shima family or something. I was just sitting outside, singing by myself. I was about done with the song when I heard someone applauding. I jolted, stopping immediately. 

“That was great, Okumura-san.” “Nice, Rin.” Oh, just Bon and Konekomaru. “Hey, guys.” I said, turning to face them. I relaxed my posture. Not Yukio, not Yukio. Not anymore. They smiled at me. “Come on in. We’re gonna go see that new horror movie that came out. Ya know,” He grinned at Ren. “The one with all the bugs.” Behind him, an ashen faced Ren shivered. “W-well, it is your turn to choose.” I shrugged. “Okay. Let’s go.” Despite Ren’s screams, it was mediocre at best. Later, I helped Torako -Bon’s mom- make dinner.  
That night, I’d fallen asleep on the couch watching TV, and when I woke up, I heard her talking to Ren’s dad. “I don’t know. I get that everyone’s got their own disposition, but I’ve met him before. He seemed much more energetic and happy. Now, he…” she stopped, like it was something she didn’t want to say. ”He has the same look, Momo-chan had. And he’s so quiet. It makes me wonder what could’ve happened to the poor thing.” “I know what you mean. I see it too. Still, we can’t push him. Hopefully he’ll tell us in his own time.”  
I would’ve said something, but I was still really tired, so I just stayed quiet and listened. A moment later, I felt someone spread a blanket over me. That night, I wasn’t as confused. But more than that, I was content, comfortable. The TV was still going, but it was calming. Some fantasy anime, I think. I didn’t matter. When I woke up the next morning, they’d still be acting strange. 

But, I didn’t mind. They cared about me. They helped me. I went from living a lonely childhood in a monastery, to living at a school for exorcists and I got used to that. This is a way better set up, so I guess I could get used to it.


	7. Snow, stars, and beauty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SO SORRY FOR HOW LATE THIS IS!! I had the mother of all writers block and really really didn't know what to write. I had a draft, but it sucked. Therefore, I deleted it and started all over. I'm not done, but this is my apology. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN BLUE EXORCIST

A few months later

 

It was supposed to snow the night before, so no one was surprised by the layer of snow that fell that night. Waking up was a peaceful action, after no one was training. As Ren lay there, he suddenly heard a fast knocking on his door. He sat up on his bed. “Who is it?” He called over. Without answering, the door opened to reveal Konekomaru and Kinzou standing there. “Come look this. Right now.” They said in perfect unison. Without waiting for an answer, they pulled the pink haired male out of bed and pulled him along the hallway. “W-wha? Guys? What is this, what going on?” He cried as they continued to pull him, to the living room evidently. Then he heard it. Rin’s laugh. Although he had been healing, to be graced with his laugh these past few months was something special. He walked forward, and looked outside, to have his breath catch in his throat. He seeing the most beautiful sight anyone could ever have the pleasure of laying eyes on. 

 

Rin was outside in the snow, playing with Kuro. He was wearing a baggy pair of sweatpants, and a hoodie he vaguely recalled Bon owning. His hair flopped from side to side as he chased the cat, the smile never wavering from his face. The soft blue glow around him told them his powers weren’t being contained by the Kurikara. His eyes held a happiness he had never seen before, and made the scene all the more beautiful. Made Rin look all the more beautiful. The still falling snow in his hair, the flush to his pale cheeks, and the blue light surrounding him made him look, ironically enough, angelic. Then he got a snowball to the face. “Come play with us, Ren! It’s more fun with more people.” He called over playfully. Ren grinned. “Oh, I’m coming out there! You’re gonna get it for that!” Without much mind for the mere shorts and t-shirt he was wearing, Ren pulled on a pair of shoes and ran out to join them. 

 

Konekomaru, Kinzou, and Bon watched from the room. “Guys,” Bon began. “I just sent a picture to Izumo, Shiemi, and Shura. This is the response. ‘I think we can all agree on one statement. If Shima breaks Rin’s heart, he dies.’” He read aloud. Konekomaru spoke up. “Is it bad I agree with that statement?” Bon grinned. “It’s not. If it is, I’m just as bad.” Kinzou laughed. “Whatever. I think breakfast is ready, and I know they won’t wanna miss it. Come on guys!” He called over. 

 

Line break 

 

“Hey, Ren? It’s clear out tonight. Wanna go star gazing?” A soft voice called over to him. He gave the half demon a look. “But there’s snow everywhere. We’d be soaked, and then we’d freeze.” He said. Rin snickered. “Well, yeah. That’s why I scraped off the snow on the roof this morning.” Konekomaru stopped. “I-isn’t that a bit dangerous? I mean you could fall off.” He reminded them. Rin smiled. “I did it a lot when I was younger. The old man let me and Yukio do it all the time.” Ren sighed. Well, sans any argument about Rin being more durable than him. “Welp, I guess we’ll need a couple blankets.” He said getting up. Before he truly knew it, he was on his back, looking up at the heavens, the blue haired half demon by his side.

 

RENZO POV 

 

As we observed the bright stars, a thoughtful look overtook Rin’s face. “It’s amazing, you know. Something like a million planets and stars outside of our own. Nothing like a fact like that to make you feel small. Makes you think. If you were to go missing, just drop off the face of the planet, the majority of the world would continue as normal. Sure, a few people would care, but what’s that against the other 7 billion people on earth? That’s the same sort of thoughts I had when I’d, you know.” I did, too. 

“You know, I honestly never thought I had a future. I could never click with school, and everyone was either scared of me or hated me. That’s even before I met you guys, or knew anything about this. Dad would get mad, because he was worried I’d end up homeless when I moved out. I never really had a plan for that. Figured I’d die in a gang fight or something.” He admitted. 

“Damn. That makes me relieved you did find out.” Rin laughed. “You’re telling me. Even though for the first year I had a death threat on my head, it was nice. Okay, at least.” “How is the Grigori doing with that right now anyway?” I wondered. Rin hummed. “The old bastards are finally getting it through their thick skulls that mass genocide and general world destruction aren’t on my goal list. They leave me alone for the most part. Who said they have a say in who lives or dies, anyway? They’re just a few humans. Makes me sick, how arrogant they really are.” He said. 

“Wow, I never thought of it that way.” Rin sighed. “Not many people do. You know, that wasn’t the first day I considered it. Offing myself, I mean. There were times where I just wanted to end it. Go out on my own terms, I suppose.” Now that made me worried. “You don’t still want to, do you?” I asked. “Huh? No, not at all. Honestly, I’m really happy right now.” I felt a tingle in my gut. Suddenly Rin gasped. “Hey look a shooting star.” I looked to where he was pointing, just barely seeing it before it faded away. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” I couldn’t speak my response. Yeah Rin. You are beautiful. I leaned over to him, my breath catching in my throat again. 

The kiss was brief and simple. Just pressing my lips to Rin’s. When I pulled away, we were both blushing at my boldness. Rin smiled and glanced down. I smiled back, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, leaning us back against the blanket, the only sound being our breaths as they clouded in the December air. 

 

LINE BREAK

 

When we finally came back in, Rin went to get a snack and I thought. My desire to see Rin happy, my utter enthrallment of him when he was out there. My deep caring for him. the desire to hold him, be with him. there was only one explanation. I flopped on the couch next to the sibling closest to me in age, shock filling my veins. “Kinzou-nii. I think I’m in love.” My older brother grinned. “I know.”


	8. Healing and growing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'I'm so sorry for making you wait so long!' Then proceeds to not post on this for like 2 months. So, erm.. yeah. School is a bitch. Sorry. *cringes* Okay, I swear the next one will be out soon, okay? 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT own blue exorcist

Rin Pov  
Everything felt hot, I was lightheaded, and I couldn't get the dopey smile off my face. Ren kissed me. He actually kissed me. I let out a little giggle. I sounded like a girl. Not that it mattered. He's just playing you, once you think you happy, he'll hurt you all over again. The voice in the back of my head hissed. I frowned, the voice snapping me back into reality. Why did that voice have to sound so much like Yukio of all people? 

I ran a hand over my arm, observing the faint scars that my healing seemed to miss. The white against my already pale skin made them hard to see if you didn't know where to look. I smirked a bit. Accelerated healing didn't always equal no scars. 

I pulled my phone out, flicking through my playlists before settling on one with calmer songs. Laying on my bed and thinking was a favorite pass time of mine. It helped me think. As I pondered what this would mean for my relationship with Ren, my phone went off. I looked at the caller ID. Private number. I cringed, not wanting to answer for fear of who it could be. I let it ring. 

They left a voice mail, and it was merely someone else, apologizing for the wrong number. I smiled in relief, not Yukio. Although I was definitely better, I was still healing. I still needed time before I'd be willing to talk with him. Which probably wouldn’t be for a long time.

LINE BREAK

“Morning, Rin. You make breakfast?” Juzo yawned. I smiled. “Yeah, just some scramble eggs and bacon. Something easy to make, ya know.” “Got something on your mind?” He asked. I gave a silent shrug. “I guess.” I needed to have some sort of conversation with Ren, but I didn’t want to talk about it with him. Bon, maybe. Just someone I knew better. 

As everyone else slowly came in, I started panning out the food, my mind still wandering to other places. As I got everyone their breakfast, I fixed my own plate and sat down. Ren was across from me, and I felt a twinge of nervousness. After a few moments of working out how I was going to speak with him, I felt the words on my tongue. I spoke before I could psyche myself out. 

“Ren, can I talk to you in a bit after breakfast?” I asked, just barely stopping myself from running words together. “Hmm? Yeah sure. Just let me finish eating.” His eyes wandered to my plate, my food was untouched. “And you finish eating, too.” I laughed a bit. “Okay, okay.” Once we had finished, I pulled Ren outside, where we were alone. I took a deep breath. We needed to discuss this. "Listen, I really like you. I want to see how a relationship with you would turn out. All I want, is that we take things slow." I smiled nervously, silently praying that he'd be okay with my terms. 

I could barely meet his eyes, but I looked up in time to see his anxious expression faded to one of relief. "Th-that's it? Your only concern is not taking this too fast? Rin, I would be happy to wait for as long as you possibly need. The last thing I want is for you to feel like you have to do something you don't want to. God, I’ll take things at a snail’s pace if need be." I fought down a laugh. 

“Nothing like that, I just don’t want to rush anything. Ya know, no sex before the second date.” I smirked. “Or is that what you expect from your dates?” I teased. Ren’s face flushed. “I’ll have you know I’m well beyond having a slutty partner like that!” He yelled indignantly. It was too much, before I knew it was laughing my ass off. I looked back up at him, and my cheeks stung. 

His eyes had a look I’d never seen before. A different affection from what I was used to. I smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek, Ren responded by pulling me into a hug. I laid my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his neck, perfectly contented with staying in that position for the rest of my life. “Yeah, I think this could work.” 

LINE BREAK

“Woo hoo! I just got 50,000 yen off of an exorcist job!” Kinzo celebrated to Yaozo. I groaned when I heard that. "Something wrong, Rin?" Konekomaru asked, looking up from the book he was reading. I sighed. 

"Sorry, it's just that I've been living here for a few months now and I'm not paying any rent or anything. I feel like I'm mooching off of you guys or something." I admitted. "Don't be silly Rin," Konekomaru said. "We like having you around, and you still do stuff like chores and cooking meals. You aren't mooching. Besides, what about exorcist jobs? They pay okay." 

"I know, but that means they actually call me for said jobs, which they don't. I have a meister in knight which I got after 6 months of rushed training. It was enough for them to leave me the fuck alone. Have to admit, I cannot complain." I said, my voice dripped in the bitter tone I’d use referring to the Vatican. 

Konekomaru winced at my statement. “Should you really be talking about your superiors like that, Rin?” He pointed out. “They wanted to kill me. I can be a little rude when referring to them.” “I’m just saying.” I shrugged, choosing not to respond.

LINE BREAK

“There’s someone at the door, could someone please answer it?” Torako called out. “Got it!” I called over without a second thought. I quickly jogged over to the front door when I hesitated once more. What if it was him? I hadn’t exactly hidden where I was going, so he could easily come for me and- no. I wasn’t 16 anymore. I could say no to him. I took a deep breath, shaking slightily.

I opened the door. 

“Surprise.” Shiemi’s sweet, cheerful voice reached my ears.


	9. A black hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, okay. I can see the comments now. "WTF?! YOU HAVEN'T UPDATED IN 2 FREAKING MONTHS! AGAIN!" And I know that. I had some MASSIVE writers block with where I wanted to take this and decided to take a break. I promise the next chapter will be out by June 8. That's two weeks to finish the next chapter. All that said, MASSIVELY MASSIVE trigger warning for the first bit of the chapter. It gets kind of intense, as in Rin nearly gets pushed to the edge once again. You guys already know I don't want anyone getting upset by what I write. Other than that, usual warnings of Yukio's terribleness in this story.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Blue Exorcist

Demon. You can't even stay happy for a while without coming back to this, can you?

It's pathetic, it really is. There really isn't any hope for you, is there?

Demon. Just a fucking demon.

Why does he even care about you? You're a weak, worthless piece of trash. You can't even talk about what your brother.

All these thoughts swirled in Rin's mind, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. "Shut up." It sounded pathetic, even to him. Rin pulled his knees up to his chest, curling in on himself. "Why can't I just be fucking happy. Why does it always come back to this?" He demanded. Rin scoffed at his own question. "Because I'm half demon. Because enduring pain is all I'm good for." Rin slid his hand into his pocket, pulling out a knife that no one had noticed. "Always comes back to this."

The tears were threatening to fall. He placed the sharp metal at the middle of his forearm. And stopped. This wouldn't do anything. Maybe shut the voices up for a little while, but not what he needed. He pulled the knife away from his arm and aimed for his stomach. There was a small voice in the back of his head, screaming at him to stop. Telling him he didn't want this, just put the knife down, and get some help. You don't want this; you do not want to do this.  
Then, the voices came back.

do it.

Do it.

Do it!

Do It!

DO IT!

The voices became louder with each word. Rin couldn't take it anymore. His arm moved, throwing the knife in the opposite corner of the room. He took in a breath, and another, and another. Why was breathing so difficult right now? Rin brought his knees back up to his chest and let out a sob.

You really are that pathetic, aren't you?

Rin screamed.

 

LINE BREAK (a few hours earlier)

 

"It's been a while. How have you guys been." Shiemi asked, giving them a warm smile. Rin gave a small shrug. "Pretty good, I guess. I haven't heard a thing about Yukio, so that's a plus." He said, taking a sip from the coke he was drinking. Shiemi sighed.

"Yeah, after this whole mess happened, we demanded that he be sent home. Not only did we put him under house arrest, we banned him from trying to call you or anything. All three of us knew you'd want some space. Izumo-san said she'd wouldn't be shocked if you picked up." Rin had to snort at that one. "Of course, she would say that." Rin laughed. Renzo's expression showed no humor.

"So did he have anything to say about what... almost happened." He asked carefully. Shiemi's expression sobered at the question. "Yeah, Yuki-chan had something to say."

 

FLASHBACK

 

"What the actual fuck kid?!" Shura yelled at him, waving her arms to accentuate her outrage. "I mean, I get that Rin ain't smart and all that shit, but for god's sake you don't just do that to someone!" Shiemi chose to stay quiet during her former teacher's rant. Or rather, she knew better than to speak. Yukio himself had also kept quiet. He hadn't spoken ever since he'd come home to find the three angry women in place of his brother. Finally, the rant ended, and Shiemi could have her piece. "Honestly, Yukio. I'm disgusted that you can do something like that. Rin is your brother. No one deserves that treatment. And look at what it drove him to. Hell, you should've been helping your brother instead of treating him like a piece of shit." She yell, uncharacteristically cursing. It showed how angry she was. For a moment, it was a silent glaring match between the two, until Yukio spoke.

"If that dumb ass wants to throw away his life like that, it's fine by me. It's not my problem." He said coldly. He didn't say anything after that, not even when Shura slapped him.

FLASHBACK END

"I mean, he had the gall to say something like that after he-he, ugh!" Shiemi ranted, uncharacteristically angry. "I know what you mean, Shiemi. Even before, he... wasn't the best at handling my emotions." Rin said. "He told me to go die on more than one occasion."

Everyone seemed to be a little bit sadder after the story. Konekomaru finally stood up, "Hey, we can worry about all that later, let's go out or something."

Bon nodded in agreement. "Yeah, let's do something a little less depressing." Everyone gave an affirmative, including Rin. That said, throughout the day, he couldn't escape the feeling dread sinking like a rock in his stomach.

 

LINE BREAK

 

When they got home, Bon, Konekomaru, and Kinzo all had to pack up for an exorcist mission, leaving Shiemi, Renzo, and Rin by themselves. The three were sitting in the living room.

 

Finally, Shiemi sighed. "I know you probably don't want to answer, but I have to ask. What actually got you to that state?" Rin's expression darkened. "You're right. I don't want to talk about it. But I need to. There's no getting around it." He sighed. "So, it happened about two weeks before I... attempted suicide."

 

MORE FLASHBACK

 

Rin glared at the door. A thousand ideas swirled in his head. Call someone. Lock the door and melt the lock with his flames. Take it tonight and kill him in his sleep. Just leave. Each one was less doable than the last, even when many seemed perfectly reasonable. Rin recalled an incident where another exorcist had given him a pill for anxiety. It hadn't helped much. It wasn't something Rin needed. In that moment, Rin needed to scream. Or grab the nearest pistol. Rin smirked at the last thought. That was a nice thought. The doorknob twisted, the familiar sight of his drunken brother entering the apartment. Rin took a deep breath. 'Here we go again.' He thought to himself.

But there was something off about him tonight. There was a primal look in his blueish green eye, a look that promised pain to those who dared cross him. Rin unconsciously twisted his t-shirt in his hands, anxiety bubbling to the surface. This wasn't good. Not at all. "U-um, hey Y-Yukio." He stammered out awkwardly. Yukio's eyes were on him now. The taller twin moved forward, and before Rin could react properly, he shoved him back onto the couch. "Yukio, what the fuck are you doing?!" Rin yelled, pushing his brother off of him. "What the fuck?!"

That's when Rin saw the knife. "Whoa, are you trying to kill me or something?" He yelled. Despite very clear inebriation on his brother's part, even he could tell he'd just asked a dumb question. "What else would the knife be for, idiot?" Yukio demanded.

Suddenly, Yukio was knocked over by a large, snarling, black figure. "Kuro!" Rin cried. The cat sidhe was bigger now, about the size of a panther, and was using his paws to pin the younger twin down. 'Move, Rin. I'll be fine, but you won't!' He called to him. "O-Okay." Rin called back.

Perhaps Rin should've just left the apartment, but instead he grabbed a knife and hid in the bathroom. He could hear his brother's yelling from inside the small bathroom, as the apartment was rather small. Then there was a bang against the door. "WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! I SHOULD'VE KILLED YOU AGES AGO! GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF!" Then his voice got softer. "Or just stay with me. Get what you deserve, and give me the satisfaction of watching you suffer. I don't care." Rin didn't move for the entire night.

 

FLASHBACK END

 

Rin sighed. "It was little and stupid, but that's what did it. That's what fucking did it."

Shiemi's horror was obvious. "O-Oh god, I had no idea that-that he'd do something like that. That he'd want to do something like that." She stammered. Rin felt the pit in his stomach grow. "I think I need some space right now. I'm going to my room." He said softly. Renzo winced. "Rin, are you sure it's a good idea for you to be alone right now?"

"Y-Yeah, I-I'm fine, I really just need some space." Rin stammered. The dread in his stomach wasn't a rock. It was a black hole.


	10. Enough to last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look at that! An on time chapter! Such a first for you! Yeah yeah, also you should know I wrote half of this today. I know this is short, but I’m way happier about how this turned out in comparison to the last chapter. I may end up rewriting that one (assuming I don’t just rewrite this whole thing) but that’s neither here nor there. All in all, I’m way happier with this one. I can’t say when the next one will be out, but sometime around June 20th. No later than the 30th tho, I can promise you that. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own blue exorcist. Boom done, on with the chapter.

As Rin sat there, curled up in a ball gasping for air, he wondered why he couldn't hear anything. Normally these panic attacks left him whining, whimpering, and sobbing. The more logical side of Rin told him to try to speak, and he could scarcely make a sound, let alone a scream.

 

Great, just another fuck up on your part.

 

Rin sobbed into his folded arms, curling into a tight ball. His silent cries going unnoticed to the other two people in the house. Rin wasn't aware of much, only that he crying, utterly miserable, and that everything hurt. Every little bad thing someone had said about him, both others and himself, came into his head.

 

'That boy must be the child of Satan. He isn't normal.'

 

'Keep that demonic thing away from my child!'

 

 

'Get that demon away from me!'

 

'Just go and die already!'

 

'How can you be so stupid?! I mean Yukio is so smart!'

 

'Why can't you just disappear? It would make it easier on the rest of us!'

 

 

'I can't believe I adopted you on some days!'

 

Rin sobbed harder at the last one. Shiro had said that. Rin knew that he'd been on his wits end and frustrated, but hearing that still hurt. For Rin, it didn't matter that he'd apologized, the damage was done. Now Rin could barely think of his father without remembering the venom he'd spat at him in their last moment together. And what he wanted to say to him now. A part of Rin was almost relieved the old man was dead. God knew what Rin would've done to him after finding out the truth. 

Yukio was, of course, a different story. Rin was angry, yes, but he didn't feel that same venom he felt towards Shiro. Perhaps it was just the fact that they were brothers, or the fact that Yukio was just as much a victim of their father's lies, if not more. At the very least Rin was above taking his anger out on his brother. He wished Yukio had returned the courtesy. Rin found himself allowing his blue flames out, just a bit. They circled his body in the strange, yet oddly familiar warmth they carried with them. A small comfort to the half demon, but little more. At the very least he wasn’t ashamed of them the way he had been, even his heritage was far from something to be prideful about. It didn’t define him. 

 

At this point the tears were slowing, and Rin was calming down. He really just wanted to get in bed and forget this whole nightmare, but he was too exhausted to move. A part of Rin wished he hadn't thrown the knife away, the rest of him knew his arms would be littered with fresh cuts if he still had the blade. That was enough to completely snap Rin out of the emotional haze he’d been in. No. He wasn’t going back to that. 

 

But you almost did.

 

The cold realization hit Rin harder than he wanted to admit. He almost died, again. Suddenly Rin was relieved of the sudden failure of his voice, letting a silent scream into the soundless void. Rin felt another wave of exhaustion overtake him. He sighed. ‘I really wish someone was here right now.’ Rin thought to himself. 

 

Maybe someone heard that wish, and the dork to Rin’s room opened. “Hey Rin, are you okay? I thought I heard something and... Ah shit, Rin.” Renzou said softly when he saw his boyfriend’s position. He moved to his side, kneeling down to wrap his arms around Rin. Rin buried his face in Renzo’s shoulder, shaking. “Hey, hey. It’s alright. What happened with him is in the past. Whatever happened is in the past.” Renzo said softly, rubbing his back, feeling him take in little gasps of air as the other tries to calm the surging war in his mind. Renzo wished there was something he could do to help, that there was a way he could take his pain, but he couldn’t. Eventually the storm calmed, and Rin was simply laying there, worn, spent, and numb. 

 

Renzo noticed that Rin had calmed down, and let out a breath. “Let’s get some sleep. You look exhausted.” He said softly. ‘I am exhausted.’ Rin wanted to say. He didn’t though, he simply let Renzo pull him up and led him to the bed. Rin laid down and curled up, Renzo laying down next to him. He snuggled closer to Renzo, enjoying the warmth. He rested his head on his chest and closed his eyes, too tired to do little else. Before he finally drifted off, he felt a small kiss on the top of his head. “It’ll be alright, Rin. We all love you so much.” He said softly. Rin gave no sign that he heard, but the reassurance and the warm presence was enough for him. It was enough to last the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... any ideas on where I take it from here? I’ve honestly been winging it, and the outline I made at the beginning got scrapped ages ago. I’ll take any advice, so say whatever. On that note, Ja ne and God bless. Been a while since I’ve said that, huh?


	11. Fading scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So... this is pretty crap. I'm sorry, but I'm trying, okay? You're really patient with this, which I'm thankful for since I don't know what I'm doing, but oh well.
> 
> DISCLAIMER I DO NOT OWN BLUE EXORCIST

_He was standing in the kitchen at the monastery, chopping vegetables at the counter, the movements out of his control. He was standing on a stool, being far too short to reach on his own. His hands were tiny. The situation felt familiar but he couldn't remember from where._

_"That's it, you got it Rin." Shiro's voice was soft and encouraging. He suddenly became aware of a pair of hands on his shoulders._

_Now Rin remembered this, when he was first learning to cook, he'd been using a knife when suddenly-_

_"Shit!" He cried. He'd cut a finger on the knife, and he remembered it had hurt badly. He also remembered not crying over the cut, even when his father had to put hydrogen peroxide on the cut to clean it._

"You okay, Rin?" Shiro asked gently. Rin smiled brightly. "Yeah, I'm fine." Shiro gave a relieved sigh. "Great. In that case," He flicked him on the forehead. "What the heck?!" Rin cried, rubbing his forehead as if it were about to bruise.

_"Who taught you to talk like that, Rin?" His father asked, annoyed. Rin rolled his eyes. "You old man. Who else would I have learned it from?" Shiro gave an indignant cry of "I don't talk like that!"and Rin laughed. Shiro huffed, rolling his eyes back at his son. Rin couldn't remember what had happened after that, but the dream continued._

_Rin sighed._

_"Why'd you do it?" He asked, voice soft. There was no answer. Rin knew there wouldn't be an answer. He'd log since stopped trying to rationalize one. It only led to more heartache._

_Instead, Shiro pulled back in a flinch. "I-I'm, erm." Rin knew what he wanted to hear from him. He also knew he'd never hear it. "It's not okay, but I'm trying." He said softly. "I hope I can forgive you one day. I love you Dad."_

\--

 

 

There were a few things Rin noticed when he woke that morning. First off, he felt like shit, his head hurt, his throat was sore, and he was exhausted. How much sleep did he even get last night? Second off, he was way too hot. Sure, it was below freezing outside and their heating could be finicky about working when it wanted to be, but he felt like he'd been out in the sun for 12 hours before. 

And finally, he realized he couldn't move due to an annoying large _something_ laying partially on him. He wrenched himself from the grasp of whatever was holding him down. 

Oh. 

Suddenly the events of the previous night came flooding back. He bit his lip. Rin moved back, leaning against the wall behind his bed. He really, really needed to rethink things. 

 

'I can't let this keep happening. I'm fucking sick of this.' He thought to himself. Rin glanced over at the window, deciding to see what things looked like outside. He moved to the window. A fresh layer of snow blanketed what Rin could see of the ground. Rin took a quick glance at his phone. 5:30 am. He winced, damn it was early. When did he fall asleep anyway?

 

He was about to put his earphones in, when he heard a popping on the door. Rin recognized the sound, knowing it was Kuro's way of knocking on the door. He twisted the door knob before going to sit on the bed.   
  
  
  


Kuro immediately bound into the room, jumping into Rin's lap and nuzzling his head into his stomach. 'How did you sleep, Rin? I noticed you seemed upset last night.' He asked, worry coating the cat's tone of voice. Rin smiled. "I'm okay. You don't need to worry."  He said softly, careful not to wake the male next to him. Kuro seemed skeptical, but was more or less satisfied, curling up in his lap and purring contently. He plugged in his earphones, not really paying attention to which playlist he picked, only wanting something to block out excess noise, a question burning in the back of his mind. What now? He didn't have a plan, but he didn't want to wing it either. What could he do at this point? 

 

Get a job was something, he supposed. Not much, but a starting point. Were there any nearby places even hiring? He shook his head. Not helping. 

But what would help? Rin had no idea. Rin sighed, "This is harder than I thought." He mumbled to himself, causing Kuro to perk up. 'What're you thinking about Rin?' He asked tentatively. "Trying to figure shit out." He responded softly, stroking Kuro's back. 

 

The cat purred warmly, more for Rin's benefit rather than his own. 'Like I said, you'll figure something out. Give it time, take a breath, and heal. You'll work things out.' He said reassuringly. "Thanks." Rin responded. 

He hummed along with the song he was listening to, mind on other matters. He supposed Kuro was right, at this point, he needed to put some effort into healing. Try and mend whatever was broken. The pain he felt wasn't going anywhere if he didn't try to heal. He ran a hand along his arm, observing the light scars. He stopped at his finger. 

The pale skin was hard to see, but it was there. He observed the knife in the corner of the room, and the spot on his stomach where he'd nearly... stabbed himself. Rin sighed. 'This has to stop.' He reaffirmed.

 

Rin was pulled out of thought by someone pulling out an earphone. He rolled his eyes. "Good morning to you too, Ren." He said sarcastically. Ren pulled him into an embrace instead of responding. "You okay? You gave me a scare last night." Rin sighed, and snuggled into the hug. "I'll be fine, Renzo." He breathed, using his boyfriend's full name. Ren tightened his hold. 

 

"I know."

 


End file.
